I am spending my child support on dildos
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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