I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
