my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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