My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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