You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
