The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Randomize
