The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
