It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
