Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
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Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
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I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
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