I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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