Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
