We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
