Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
