Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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