just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
