my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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