All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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