We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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