Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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