All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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