His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
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I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
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He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him