Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse