if only i could text you this smell
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
