i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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