is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
