We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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