He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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