My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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