Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
