I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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