I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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