someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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