You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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