I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
