How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
