Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
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soooo we both peed the bed last night...
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
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Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
soo... how was my night?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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