Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
