It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
