Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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