I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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