dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize