I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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