I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
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