I just pynch a tree in the face
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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