Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Randomize
