overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Randomize
