"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
