i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
