remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
