White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
