My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Holy shit dude........stairs
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