I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
