I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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