the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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