Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
