to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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