I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
