mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Randomize
