someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize