He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
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And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
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You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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