Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I skipped work to stalk him.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Randomize
