Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Randomize
