I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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