"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
