Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
